I was hesitant to press publish on this post.
But blogs are all about being authentic, right?
And we all know that sharing a goal or a desire or a conflict makes one more accountable for it, and that’s certainly something that I will need to accomplish what I want to accomplish. Accountability. Seems so trivial, but such a valuable trait. Whether it’s in work or relationships. Relationships with your friends, parents, spouse, or in my specific case discussed here- being accountable in your relationship with FOOD.
Those of you who know me well, know that this is a complicated subject (and something you might be sick of hearing about!). I’ve been in bad relationships with food for the past 10 years, and sometimes I let it take over my self-worth and self-love, but also do my best to remember the importance of loving yourself for who you are here and now. It’s a constant battle and I know I’ve made significant progress, but I’ll be fighting this war for a very long time.
What war?
A war with myself, my body and my confidence. My weight goes up and down, my happiness ebbs and flows, and my mind wanders here and there. It’s a wretched fun little cycle, and we’ve all been there. Usually, a girl’s gotta hit bottom to shake loose the body blues: A photo of your unkempt self that gives you shivers, a morning weigh-in that elicits a gasp of dismay, a cutting comment from a coworker, or something equally traumatic. It’s obvious that the cycle of self-loathing is inextricably linked to the cycle of self-neglect: Feel bad, look bad, feel worse, look worse, and on and on. I have good days and bad days, but this last week was particularly low.
Quick explanation of my most recent battle: It was a pretty fall in Minneapolis, and I had just had the best wedding ever (to a supportive, ever-loving and wonderful man) and returned from a positively blissful honeymoon. But suddenly I started feeling bad. My mind started obsessing and worrying about inconsequential things; I had trouble sleeping, I didn’t have a desire to exercise, and I started a crappy cycle of eating crap. Oh crap! I was feeling down more often, like that heavy feeling you get in your chest when you’re sad about something. Why?? Well, I went off the pill and another prescription that I had been on for many years. So part of it was hormones. And maybe part of it was the decline from the high that is all things wedding.
Then there is the food/weight part. I felt SO good at my wedding, having lost just enough weight (in a healthy way) over the summer to feel comfortable and beautiful on my wedding day. In fact, I can’t remember a time in my life when I felt that beautiful- part of it was because of the people I was surrounded by and the love of Bryan, and part of it was just coming to a place of self-acceptance and self-love for the real, curvy me. I was balanced and happy and healthy. I remember getting back from our honeymoon, a few pounds heavier than my wedding (which is totally fine- honeymoons are about enjoyment!), and telling myself that I can’t gain back the weight I had lost for our wedding. It was only about 15 lbs, but it felt GOOD. I was fitting comfortably into my size 10 pants and wearing my tight razorback tops to yoga. I was strong and happy. But slowly, over the next 5 months, I put the weight back on. Every last pound of it. Can you believe it? I knew it was happening- I was slowly switching back to my bigger pants and started wearing t-shirts to yoga (which I’m also going to much less frequently). I told myself it was okay, as I was a newlywed and we love going out to eat, splurging on dessert, and treating ourselves to weekend baked goods. But you know what is not okay? Feeling down in the dumps for numerous days in a row.
When you’re feeling down, you often compartmentalize it, right? You have to get out of bed in the morning, so you try to take a deep breath and get through as much as you can–working, going to dinner with friends, watching TV. You try to put your struggles out of your mind and focus on the good, which I did most of the time. I didn’t want these feelings to bleed into my whole life, so I tried to keep them bottled up as much as possible. I don’t like attention, I don’t want to be a burden, and I surely don’t want to disrupt the general flow of my day-to-day life. And things obviously weren’t BAD during these times- I was going to weddings in NYC, celebrating thanksgiving and Christmas with my family, skiing in Colorado, celebrating birthdays and starting a new job. But I was definitely more down than normal.
Time to face the truth once again: I’m a yo-yo dieter, and have trouble staying committed to a goal.
Okay, so what does all this mean? Why is my self-worth and mood so intricately linked to my weight? And why can’t I just figure out a healthy lifestyle (something like the 80/20 plan- where I eat healthy 80% of the time, but allow myself for treats and apps and fried food every once in awhile?). Or why can’t I just NOT CARE and let myself eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full? Why can’t I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and say “you rock!”? I know so many people who do this, and I’m just plain jealous. They are healthy and “normal” and don’t let their relationship with food and their body interrupt their life. I know I’m not alone in my struggles, but still. It’s hard (especially when you think about other things in your life, much bigger things like pregnancy and children- and so badly don’t want to let it interrupt those hopes and dreams, or worse yet, pass any bad habits on to children. But that’s a whole other topic that we don’t need to get into here).
Does any of this make any sense? It’s just another spewing of thoughts on this lovely Wednesday evening. But today, I’m trying something new. I think I need to 1) prove to myself that I can do something to make a change and stick with it, and 2) do my best to focus on self-love rather than self-loathing. It’s not fun for me, and it’s not fun for anyone around me.
And to start, I want to do the Whole Living 28-day Mind + Body Challenge. Do you think I can do it? I do. I want to put effort into myself. I don’t want to wallow, I want to shine. I want to take care of myself. I want to care at all! Caring about how you present your physical self to the world makes you more present in your body. Presence in your body feeds itself, creating more care. The cycle of self-care feeding self-love creating more self-care allows you to broadcast a profile of self-respect and power. It reminds you that you can control how you feel about yourself. And that’s powerful good stuff. I like good stuff. And I want to use this to kick-start the machinery of self-love.
Before sharing the details of the “cleanse” I’ll share a happiness tip from Eckhart Tolle. Important to keep in mind during all phases of life and love:
Equating the physical body with “I,” the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn’t mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body’s condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don’t equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily.
So here’s the plan (click to enlarge).
And since I don’t think it would work for me to cut out sweets/processed food cold turkey, I’m going to allow myself two cheat items a week. Not a whole cheat day because they would not end well for me, but two cheat items- a caribou mocha or a glass of wine or dessert at dinner. But other than that, I am going to stick with this plan.
Look at all these great recipes! And see how Rusty did it here!
I’ll keep you updated with my progress. Onward we fight! I’m not expecting this to fix everything, but I’m excited. Anyone else want to join me so we can share the experience (ups and downs and all)? I’m scared as all heck as I’ve never done anything like it.
PS- last night I was perusing the web, and saw this recipe. Mmmmmmm! There really are tons of great things to eat while sticking to the plan. It will be FUN! We will feel great! We WILL do it.
Ingredients:
3 Red Peppers
2 large sweet potato, peeled, cooked and mashed
1 cup onion, chopped
1/3 cup garlic hummus
1 large carrot, chopped
1 Tbsp olive oil
1/4 cup fresh orange juice
1 1/4 cup parsley, chopped
2 Tbsp real maple syrup
1 tsp cayenne
salt/pepper to taste
Directions:
1. In a pan, sauté onion, carrots and garlic with a little olive oil. About 5 mins.
2. While sautéing, roast peppers under broiler for about 5 mins.
3. In a bowl, mix together mashed sweet potatoes, onion, carrot and garlic mixture, hummus, syrup, parsley, oj, cayenne and salt and pepper.
2. Fill up peppers with the mixture. Re-cap, stick in oven and cook at 400 degrees for about 10 mins.
3. Eat!
PPS- the weather is supposed to be in the 50s a nd 60s all next week in Minneapolis. So even if I’m struggling, the sun will be shining!
And hey husband? I love you so much it’s stupid. I love that we act like 5th graders sometimes, and I love that you take care of me too. I love that you always tell me I’m beautiful. That from day one that you cared more about who I am, and who we could be together, than what I looked like. I love that you’ve handled our budget, and that you’ve prioritized our relationship over everything else. I love that you care about how I feel, always. That you’ve never made me feel bad for my awesome emotional rollercoaster rides. I love that you recognize when we’re low on quality time, and that you take me on adventures to fix it. Oh, and that you’re super hot. I love you morning noon and night and beyond.
You are my favorite, always.
